By: Lorene Belotti, Guest Blogger
Recently, I had lunch with one of my best friends whose mother happens to be a therapist. We were talking about our friend relationships in general, how we can be disappointed by some people and, in contrast, how some of them can unexpectedly and positively impress us. She explained to me she thought her mom had blossomed lately and when she had asked her what was her secret she answered: “I don’t spend time with as many people as I used to.” BAM!
It was like a flash in my head as if my friend’s mom managed to put into words what I was trying to figure out: not being ashamed of saying “no thank you” to people we don’t consider our supporters.
Last year, at my fitness class, one of my classmates invited me to hang out with her and her group of friends. I was glad even if I was a little bit surprised. This girl had shown a shallow interest in me (only a few talks where she mostly talked about her). Anyway, despite my first impression which was telling me “be careful, this is not the kind of girl you usually bond with,” I decided to give her a shot. I went out with her and her friends. Throughout the party, we did not talk once, not about real, true subjects. She was more interested in judging girls around her. She never tried to know more about me, to understand who I am, to ask questions about what I do or I think. She was just there, glad to be surrounded by her “gang.”
Weeks later, she proposed that I join her group again even though we had not socialized further since the last party. First, I thought it was weird because she had not expressed any more real interest in me. Then I realize that it was just the way she was. Her friend relationships were like this. She was just looking for party-friends and someone to go with her when she wanted to do some activities, and I happened to live not far away from her and to be funny enough to please her group.
I declined her invitation. Yes, It was nice of her to invite me at first, but our relationship wasn’t intended to be more that a cordial meeting once a week at the gym. We were not looking for the same things. Sometimes, people are not bad, but they are not good for you.
She was the kind of girl I’m not comfortable with: self-absorbed, too much interested in gossiping, and judgey and mean to people she doesn’t even know. Not my cup of tea. Actually, I know I need and love exactly the opposite: I want deep relationships, honest conversations that matter, and people I can trust and be myself with. I want positivity, understanding, compassion, and kindness. I want to feel free to stand up for myself and to speak up my truth without the fear of being kicked out of my group of friends. I want to feel that people I spend time with are supporting me and building me up. I know that it’s this type of person that fulfills me and makes me happy.
Girls, you just have to figure out who you are and what kind of people you want to be surrounded. You are brilliant and beautiful. Give yourself the permission to not let people in if you feel they’re not good for you. Trust your gut and do not accept to be torn down. Less is more. My advice? Choose quality over quantity, you are worth it!
Invest in those people who are going to return that investment in you!
- Give yourself permission to say "no thanks" to friends or people who do not have your best interests in mind. No need to get ugly or hurt, make it a point of empowerment. As Lorene says, "Sometimes, people are not bad, but they are not good for you."
Lorene is a French observer and learner of life. She’s been working as a salesperson and a marketing assistant for four years to learn the ropes of the business world. She used to be a sports journalist while doing her Master’s degree and she loves writing and telling stories about great people too much not to go back to her first love soon. She lives in the French Alps, and loves to try to solve the world’s problems while having a great meal with her loved ones. She is passionate about foreign languages, self-development books, American TV shows, and people. Oh, and she’s a total nerd of Academic studies (when she’ll win the lottery, she’ll go to Harvard).